19 Countries, One Home: A Story of Cultural Exchange

Ever wonder how opening your home to strangers from across the globe could change your life? Join Marlis Lambson as she shares 9 years of hosting international students, transforming her home into an eclectic hub of cultures, creativity, and deep connections. 

Listen as she used zany strategies during the pandemic to create unforgettable virtual cultural exchange experiences for everyone involved!  She gives  a candid look at the daily challenges and rewards of this exchange experience.  From sensory overload foreign students often face  to the funny, meaningful moments of teaching everyday life skills, she highlights the importance of patience, adaptability, and cultural sensitivity. 

Hear unfiltered stories of overcoming language barriers, confronting cultural ignorance, and integrating diverse customs into family life. In the vast landscape of cultures, languages and traditions, this episode reveals  how our shared humanity shines through, celebrating connection over differences.

Today's episode is brought to you by the Joan of Arc Scroll Medal, a beautiful brass alloy medal, designed by award-winning artist, Pat Benincasa. This uniquely shaped medal is ideal for holiday or as a special occasion gift!    Visit www.patbenincasa-art.com
For international listeners the medal is available on Etsy.

Please Note: The views expressed by our guests do not necessarily reflect the views of the podcaster.

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Chapters

• 0:06 Global Cultural Exchange Through Student Hosting
• 8:14 Navigating Cultural Exchange Challenges
• 18:15 Cultural Sensitivity and Host Parenting
• 31:02 Virtual Cultural Exchange and Bonding
• 38:57 Lessons From Student Host Parenting
• 45:26 Hosting Foreign Exchange Students

Transcript

Pat
Fill To Capacity where heart grit and irreverent humor collide. A podcast for people too stubborn to quit and too creative not to make a difference.

Pat
Hi, I'm Pat Benincasa. Welcome back to Fill To Capacity. Today's episode Number 83: "19 Countries, One Home: A Story of Cultural Exchange." 

Now, before we jump into our podcast, as we celebrate global connections today, I have to tell you, Fill To Capacity has crossed borders and time zones reaching 44 countries and 453 cities worldwide. 

Okay, now about my guest. Imagine opening your door and welcoming the world in one student at a time. For the past nine years, my guest has opened her home to students from around the world, turning it into a hub of cultural exchange, from shared meals to school routines. She's built lifelong bonds and unforgettable memories with students from every corner of the globe. 

 My guest is Marlis Lambson. Well, welcome Marlis. We got lots to talk about.

Marlis 
Thank you, Pat. I am actually rather looking forward to this because to me, cultural exchange is so beneficial to everybody in the world and especially, you know, here in the United States where we can travel state to state and hit a different culture and we never have to leave our own country. And did you know that 93% of the United States doesn't even own a passport? It's really high. Whereas the rest of the world, a lot of them do have passports. We as US citizens, we just don't get out that much, I think is probably the best way to put it. And it's terrifically expensive to leave the United States to go on vacation. So, one of the best ways to learn about other places of the world is to invite the world into your home.

Pat 
Well, I'm curious, what motivated you to start hosting foreign exchange students? Like how did you get involved?

Marlis 
My school that I went to always had exchange students. Like I, I just don't know what it's like to go to school without exchange students. And then my parents, although I grew up very poor when I was in high school during the summer, my parents would host summer only students from France because my parents loved France, even though neither one of them had ever been. And then they did it again when my brother was in high school. So we had five French students in our house, but there was seven years difference between me and my brother. So I never really got to know the ones that they hosted when my brother was in high school. But when I went off to university, I lived in a, a dorm called International House, which was four floors of students. And the rule was that there had be one international student and one US student in each room.

Marlis 
And then the dorm actually came with mandatory requirements of cultural learning. So not only did we have to take a language class all four years, we were in university. It didn't matter what language, we just had to take a language class. And we had two weekends every month where the weekend it was built in that countries would do presentations. So, we got our weekends taken away from us as college students, but we agreed to that. And so we learned dance, we learned language, we learned food, we learned culture, we learned everything else. And then I got out on my own. And you know, you, when you're adulting 1 0 1, money is not there. Nor do you have room, you know, you're usually living in a little efficiency apartment when you're adulting 1 0 1. But I finally got to the point in my life where I'm still not rich. Yeah, you don't have to have a lot of money to host an exchange student. But I have the room and I have the capability and I have the time. And I finally said in the summer of 2015 to stop wishing and start doing and it hasn't stopped. Or they slowed down.

Pat 
Well, tell us about the American Field Service, AFS, that's the hosting organization you work with. Who are these folks?

Marlis 
They started about 76 years ago, world War ii. But it came around because during the World Wars there were ambulance drivers. And the ambulance drivers went and picked up whoever, didn't matter what side of the war you're on, they picked up the wounded and took 'em to the hospitals. And one of the things that they noticed, the owner of this ambulance service and the ambulance drivers and the wounded themselves, it didn't matter where they came from, they just got along and started talking and sharing and so forth. And then it became an idea in the founder's head to start this cultural exchange. In the first year that they did it, there was only 10 students, but it was a start, and they didn't fly. They came over here through buses and trains to their own country. And then they got it on a ship to come to the United States.

Marlis 
So sometimes like a two week travel just to get to the United States. But ever since then, AFS students have become presidents, prime ministers, poet laureates, scientists of renowned. 

There's one group one year that sat on the White House lawn and was addressed by President Kennedy. We have another video of a student from Scandinavia. She's standing right next to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. as he's signing some papers. These kids have come from everywhere. 

You do get some sad stories that make them famous. The most recent one was a scholarship student through the Kennedy Luger Youth Exchange and study program from Palestine. He was killed. The problems that are happening there, we lost a student in another state to a school shooting, but they weren't the target. Other kids were the target. They were a accident of the whole event. But the beautiful part that came out of that, that student's, natural parents and family and country never got upset with the United States about that.

Marlis 
Never got upset with the school. In fact, they went so far as to forgive the shooter for all of their mental stresses that led them to this problem. They're still in contact with their students host family, and they're still family across borders. They're still family through tragedy, but that's not the norm of student exchange. Yeah, those are just two sad stories. 

What you really have is this list of AFS bringing students to the United States from 101 different countries. And some of them, their parents pay their tuition for the whole year. Some come through scholarships, and we have students going from the United States to 47 or 49 different countries and they bring them our unique culture to other parts of the world. And they get to learn, you know, they get to wear school uniforms. And they don't speak a word of the language when they get there, which is unique for us citizens because all the kids that come here speak English. But when we go somewhere else, we don't speak their language. We're starting from scratch.

Pat 
Well, let me ask you, you've hosted students from 19 countries. How has opening your home to so many cultures affected you personally?

Marlis 
I don't think there's any way that it hasn't. From the way that you walk through a door with your right foot first, so many cultures do that to humming tunes in other languages. My phone having songs on there from 17 different languages because you know, the kids play their music in the car and I'm like, oh, I like that. We got a little of that on my phone. You know, to they cook. I cook. We make fusion meals as well between their culture and the US culture to learning different languages, to learning how to speak with people, because we have different speech patterns. 

We have outgoing, we have less outgoing speech patterns. We have direct, we have indirect, we have so many different ways of speaking with people. You also learn things about hierarchy. You learn a greater respect for your elders and everything that they've been through. You also learn that your elders are doing eldering for the first time. So, there's a lot of forgiveness going on there, you know?  So, you just grow. And I remember one of the things that my grandmother told me, she's like, if you ever stop learning something new every day, please just lay down and die.

Pat 
Okay.

Marlis 
But she's right. Yeah. Yeah. She's absolutely right. And how can you not learn something new every day when you are exploring another culture and they're exploring yours? And let me tell you, there is nothing as unique as learning your own culture through somebody else's eyes.

Pat 
Well, now I'm gonna stop you there because you're leading into a question that will be about that in a different way. So, these kids come over here. What are the challenges that foreign exchange students face when they arrive in this new country? What is it that they have to adjust to and how do you help them?

Marlis 
The first thing that they adjust to, if you've ever traveled outside the United States, the first thing you notice is that literally everything smells different. Even things that are familiar to you, like a cottonwood tree, it smells different in a different country. So, the very first thing that hits you when you walk outside of the airport is like, oh wow. And your brain is instantly overloaded. And then you hear all of the voices in the language of the country that you're in. If you don't speak the language, you're overloaded more. And then the food is completely different, and your intestines will put up a fight about some things. Uh, sometimes you get righteously ill to, you're overloaded through all five of your senses. Material of the clothing feels different, touch, sight, smell, hearing all of it. You are completely overwhelmed. So, when students come here, even though they may speak the language, and they may be very good at it through their schooling and, and maybe they come from a place like Pakistan where English is one of the official languages besides Urdu, most people don't know that.

Marlis 
But yeah, Pakistan has two official languages, one of which is English. But they haven't spent their whole time speaking in English. So simple sentences, you learn to slow down when you speak. Americans speak pretty quick, but you learn to slow down. You learn goofy things. Did you know that our doors are set by the handles to tell you whether you're supposed to push or pull? You don't have to have a sign. So, if it has a long bar, you push. If it has the short handle, you pull. That's one of the, one of the first things I noticed with exchanges. They were struggling with the doors. It dawned on me that generally speaking, if it has the long bar you push, if it has the handle you pull makes sense when you think about it. Laughing with them when they get in the wrong side of the car and they're staring at the steering wheel, golly because they drive on the other side of the road.

Marlis 
They're like, you know, when you walk 'em through the house, you have to show them how to use the shower. We generally don't have wet bathrooms in the United States, so you have to teach 'em to keep the shower curtain on the inside of the tub. 

I've had a student who doesn't have running water in their own home, back in their home country. So, I had to teach 'em how to use running water. We've had students who have never seen a washing machine or dryer in their life. Or in most of the rest of the world, the washing machine and the dryer are the same thing. So they don't understand why we take the clothes outta one machine and put 'em in a different machine when you can just hit a button. And it does, it all makes sense when you think about it.

Marlis 
So why don't we have that here? I dunno. They get fascinated by some of the silliest things, and you have to have patience with it. They will become fascinated with how you arrange things in your kitchen drawers or cupboards. And they will take it all out and then put it all back. You're like, whatcha doing? And they're like, it's just so cool what you have in here. I just, I just gotta see it all two. 

I was playing some 21 with a student that I have in my house last night, and he's like, how is it, you're always winning? And I said, how is it? You're always not?  So,it's just playing. He's like, you're, but you're not cheating. He's like, I'm watching you. You're not cheating. I said, of course I'm not cheating, but I am counting. It's only one deck. It's not like Vegas where they play a five or six deck stack and it makes it nearly impossible to count cards.

Marlis 
And he's like, I showed him how to do that with just one deck. A simple game of percentages, paying attention to two or three different types of cards. 

No audience. I'm not teaching a kid how to gamble. We don't do that. 

But then they teach you a card game from their country and then they're laughing at you because they're like, how come you're always losing? And I'm like, I dunno, how are you always winning? But then they teach you. It goes back and forth. So, you just learn to have a lot of patience, but you learn to pay attention to what is in front of you that you have always taken for granted. Like stopping at what we call a crosswalk. Pretty much the rest of the world calls a zebra crossing.  By the way, it's a zebra, not a zebra (zEEbra)

Marlis 
It has the black and white stripes on the road, like a zebra. So they call it a zebra crossing. But you have to teach 'em what the signals mean on the sign across the street so they don't get mucked by car. So, we have a little walking guy where we have hands. And it's different depending on where you're at to when they're riding a bicycle, teaching 'em the hand signs for slow down, turning right, turning left, and which side of the street they should be riding on so they don't get run over by a car if they come from a country where they ride on the other side. 

Pat 
Excuse me. You're bringing up a really delicate point. How do you balance respecting the students' cultural differences while helping them adapt to life in the us? It seems like it's a juggling act.

Marlis 

Oh, it's absolutely a juggling act. I've been doing it just long enough now that I've learned to say, okay, we need to pause. I'm gonna show you what we do here, but I also want you to tell me how you do it at home. Because not only do I teach them how it's done here, I get to learn how they do the same thing in their home country. And then it becomes a discussion. And because you've asked that question, you don't have to keep harping on them to do it here so they don't get hurt or get laughed at or whatever. Because you've asked them how they do it in their home country. It's an instant habit to do it the way we do it here. And it was just by Sure. Happenstance that I figured it out. So, you just ask. 

And as US citizens, we have a cultural mindset that we just know everything.

Marlis 
And I realize that may be harsh to hear for some people, but if you step back and think about it, it's the honest to God's truth, we're the number one country in the world. Well, or we used to be as far as first world countries. And we just have this mindset that we're the best and we know it all and we don't. 

And we're taught to be so independent at such an early age that we aren't taught to ask questions because, well, because asking questions shows a lack of independence when it's actually the exact opposite is what is true. Asking questions shows that you have the independence to handle the answer.

Pat 
I wanna go in a different direction.

Pat 
You began hosting foreign exchange students during the 2015-16 school year, a time when the country was politically charged, especially around issues of immigration. How did the anti-immigration rhetoric impact your experience as a host? And what were the reactions of the students who came here during that time?

Marlis 
Well, I'll tell you, it's, it's kind of a bad reflection on US culture, the story. But it's funny and heartening at the same time. So, every city, town, village has one or several people that just aren't nice, I don't know how better to put that. They lack the capacity or the desire to learn better. Like they're just deliberately unintelligent. And we have one of those individuals in the village that I live in, and my first student was from Thailand. And bless her heart, she's, she's absolute sweetheart. She's one of those people that her heart is just open to the whole world. But she's from Thailand, Thailand, east of India, southwest of China, you know, the whole bit, southwest of Vietnam, Thailand is a very unique culture. This individual came up to my exchange daughter from Thailand, and they got right in her face before I could stop them.

Marlis 
I had no idea that they were gonna do this. Got up in her face and said, oh, you from China chiing chong, chiing chong? 

And the way I was raised, that's like so inappropriate. I was stunned into absolute silence. Like I was frozen. I'm like, what do I do? I mean, in my head, I'm like, I've got defend her. And the other part of me, it was like, as a US citizen, I'm, I think I'm obligated to sock him in the nose, but before I could act, my exchange daughter kind of tilted her head a little bit. And she looked at him and she says, do you know how much of an idiot you're sounding like right now? Really? I was like, oh, yeah. Now generally speaking, that's not a Thai person's personality, but Ying is unique. Uh, so, and it's okay to use her first name.

Marlis 
So Yeing is very unique and I was like, oh, I think she's got this. And he's like, what'd you say to me China? And she goes, well, I think you need to go back to school. I don't even look Chinese. I'm Thai, I'm from Thailand. And what you were doing was not only an insult to every single Chinese person that's ever born or lived, it was an insult to China and their culture. And it was an insult to me and my culture. And you've just managed to insult the life and daylights out of my host mom. So why don't you go back to school? And she turned around and walked off. And I was like, yeah. 

And I caught that individual later and I said, you know what? You need to stay away from me and my exchange student. And they did for a couple years, but then a couple three years later walked up to my Turkish son and said, oh, you're from Turkey.

Marlis 
Do you speak Turkey? Where's the turban on your head? And ... this guy has learned that  to sneak over to the kid when I'm not really too near or can't get there fast enough. But having had Emre in my house for a few months, at that point, I knew that I didn't have to say anything with him. So, and Emre let him have it.  Emre, just absolutely let him have turn around with a are you a F-bomb idiot? And I was like, oh, okay. Must have learned that word while he was in the States. But no, they use it in Turkey all the time. But he's like, you f-bomb idiot. He's like, first of all, we stopped wearing turbans right at about 1898, 1899. Okay, you're dealing with a history buff here, so he's gonna get that date right on the nose.

Marlis 
And he goes, and second of all, we don't speak Turkey, you idiot. We speak Turkish, learn how to spell. And he turned around, walked off again. And so this town idiot has learned to never come near me and my exchange students ever again after that. Because yeah, I really don't have to say anything. 

These students, some of them, you know, they're a little too shy. They won't say much of anything if they encounter somebody like that. But most students when they get here, they know what they've been through to get here and to share their life, going through the process of applications and essays and testing and all this other stuff just to get here. And if their parents are paying it, they know that their parents are checking out several thousand dollars for them to come here. And or if they're on a scholarship, they've actually been through a much harsher process than the core students. So they're very proud and very protective of what it is that they're here for, which is education and cultural exchange.  And they're gonna defend it. And if they can't speak up and say something to the town idiot at that point, then they'll let their host family know. And the host family will say something to the town idiot.

Pat 
Okay, so let's move away from obnoxious people. Let's move towards normal life situations. So, do you involve yourself with all of the teen aspects of day-to-day life? Like homework, attend sports events, go to parent teacher conferences, you know, all of it?

Marlis 
They're just like your kids. They are in your house. Becoming a host parent means you have accepted the responsibility of being their parent for the time that they are here. Okay?

Marlis 
And you have a responsibility and obligation to be that person for them. So you teach 'em how to cook, you teach 'em how to use the stove because it may be different than what it's in their home. Teach 'em how to use the laundry, the washing machine, and the dryer. 

Here's your list of chores. You know, I have to work this Saturday, so I need you to get this stuff done and please have it done before I get home from work. And you help them establish a routine for school. Like how much sleep do you need to feel good in the morning to go to school? Okay, well it takes you 10 minutes to walk to school. How long does it take you to get ready? Generally speaking, in the morning. Alright, well you are 15, 16, 17, 18 years old. You know what you need for there.

Marlis 
This is what time school starts. And you know, through all of your orientations that the US culture is very much about being on time. And being on time means you're at minimum five minutes early if you're on time or if you're late, you're late. So you've gotta be there a little bit early. That's our way of doing time, right? So if you need this much sleep, you need this much time to get ready and you need this much time to just get around, eat breakfast before you go, then you should be able to figure out what time you need to go to bed and have the responsibility to do it. I'm not your alarm clock.

Pat 
Wow. That's really good. I mean, they're learning how to be self-sufficient in the context of this country. And you do the mom stuff, but I love how you put it on them for their part to own up and to speak up with what they need, how they go about their life, and how they will go about their life here.

Marlis 
You have to merge the two. Yeah. And by saying, how, how much sleep do you need? Or how much time you need to get ready, but this is how it works here in the United States in the morning to get ready for school and what time you have to be at school. You're merging the two cultures, which is exactly what they need. And you have to be willing to stand up and defend that for them and give them that space to do that. Are they gonna mess it up? Yep.

 Pat 
Yeah. They're kids.

Marlis 
Their job as a teenager is to screw stuff up, that's the whole job of a teenagers to make inappropriate decisions and screw stuff up.  And have fun and, and I think that's one of the things that we lose sight of as adults is we forget. You know, the job of a toddler is to chew on everything and make a mess. A job of a kindergartner is to ask you 16,000 questions about everything. A job of a preteen is to drive you absolutely insane. 

Like with anything and everything, a job of a teenager is to have them be smart asses and push the boundaries, and make inappropriate decisions on their way to adulting 101. So, if we can keep sight of that in our head and also understand that teenagers worldwide are fairly much the same with making goofy mistakes or going through those smart like growing pains and whatever, they get a little smart mouth with their parents or grandparents, but at the same time, they're still children.

Marlis 
They still need understanding, they still need caring. They still need compassion and love and not like your own kids who you can just grab and a bear hug whether they want it or not. Right? Can't do that with an exchange student. But you can say, you know what? You really look like you need a hug. Can I give you a hug? Always ask first. But always be prepared for that exchange student to come running to you. Like I'm sitting right here in my comfy chair, and I've had some of my kids come running in after school where they've just had a frustrating day and they come in and they crawl under the chair with me and they just hug me. They're not saying a word. And I'm like, what's going on? You have to wait them out, you know, give 'em a chance to breathe a little bit because they're still kids. They still need the reassurance of mom or dad or grandma or grandpa. 

Marlis 
You just work it. I think one of the unique things of any host, parent anywhere is their ability to adjust and adapt and overcome. And so maybe this is leading into another question of ours is like, how do you become a host parent with AFS? And part of that is filling out an application, going through a background check makes sense, right? Sure. But that's not the be all and end all of it. A volunteer actually comes to your home and interviews the whole family, including the furry, the feather, the scaled, and the, you know, family members of the house. Because you wanna make sure that the even the pets are friendly and accepting of new people. 

Which would be the volunteer, right? Yeah. And so you go and you interview as well, and that's all part of it. And as a volunteer who goes and looks and interviews these families, you're looking for people who don't live in a museum clean house, but they don't live in a filthy house either. 

They, they live in a home. You're looking for people who might have a little bit of dog or cat here on the couch, whether they want it there or not to the kids, no matter what their age are asking questions of the volunteer who's there. Like, I got this question from a 4-year-old, you're gonna laugh, but I know I have to share a bathroom with my big brother who's coming from Pakistan. But um, do they go to the bathroom the same way we do?

Marlis 
This is a 4-year-old brain who's wanting to make sure that they leave the bathroom in a way that their exchange student can use the bathroom. Yeah. That's where that 4-year-old brain was going. It was just asked a little oddly, right? Yeah. You know, so you're looking for curiosity in all the family members. You're looking for that adaptability. Adaptability. And if it's shown in that host family interview, as we call it, that there isn't adaptability, there isn't curiosity, it's really hard to, as a volunteer, to recommend them to continue on with the process.

Pat 
Oh, that makes sense. Marla, you were hosting students virtually during Covid. Now that had to be one hell of a unique situation. How did you create meaningful connections with students from places like Turkey, Kenya, despite the difference? How did you do this?

Marlis 
Well, first of all, time differences. We really messed these up. 

Pat 
Oh yeah.

Marlis 
You had to adapt, you had to plan ahead. We're a nation of planning ahead because we literally have humongous distances between everything here in the states. So, planning ahead is not the problem, but you have to add in time zones for that planning ahead. Yeah. And you know, the, the virtual year, literally everybody was flying by the seat of their pants with all the virtual stuff that was happening with covid. AFS was no different. So AFS quickly formed some basic rules, like every student has to spend at least three hours in a Zoom with their host family in the United States. They found ways for students to go on virtual tours of the Grand Canyon or the Statue of Liberty or stuff like that. And they were mandated to attend those classes. And, and this is all while they're doing their own virtual schooling at home with their own country and all.

Marlis 
You know, all this stuff. It became just like as if they're here, they're having to plan on their side, you're having to plan on your side and you're having to meet in the middle through the time zones and setting up the zoom and so forth. But you just talk. 

I had two students the first semester virtually, I had three, the second semester of five for the whole year. The first two that I had, Sena and ?  from Turkey and Maya from Lebanon. 

I took them to Walmart with me on a live video. So, I reversed the camera because you know, they hear about Walmart and all, all the other countries. So that's like a, Ooh, I need to go to Walmart. That's what I gonna go to Walmart. You know, every kid says that when they get here. And so I took him in Walmart and I figured out how to hang the camera so it was like right here on my chest so that I could walk, push the cart, do my own shopping, and take them around Walmart.

Marlis 
And you know, I may have only had like 13 things on my list, but it took three and a half hours. Because, you know, they wanted to see everything. I kept having to take the camera off a little chain, I'd rigged up and hold it up to what it was that they were seeing. They're like, oh my God, we've only heard about that in memes or stuff like that, or in news stories. I wanna see that closer. Like, oh my God, you have a whole aisle, both sides of cereal, all that other stuff. And we just had the time of our lives. 

And then you run into curious Americans, they see you with this camera, they know that you're talking to somebody, and they don't realize that the camera is facing out. So, they get right up and they're like, whatcha who talking? You know, they're and exchange like back up away from the camera kind of deal. And they're like, well I have covid year, you know, we're all wearing masks. That kind of thing. If you're in Walmart at that time. And I'm like, well, I have exchange students. They couldn't come here because of Covid, but we're doing this virtually. I brought 'em to Walmart with me to do shopping. And then you're standing there and you're, these people are asking these students questions about their own country.

Pat 
Oh, wonderful.

Marlis 
Yeah. So, you find the curious people and you know, you just roll with it and have fun with it. I took them shopping to Walmart. I took them to the gas station to show 'em how we fill up gas in our car. 

I had those two for the fall semester, which include Thanksgiving. Now that's a big, big holiday here in the United States. Yeah. And something that everybody else in the rest of the world, other than Canada, who has their own Thanksgiving, they only hear about. I worked up all the family recipes that I've had memorized since I was a kid for Thanksgiving. And I wrote 'em all down because they're not written down. I had to figure out the amounts of ingredients and so forth in our own measuring system, converted it all to metric, put together a cookbook, emailed this PDF cookbook to their families, and together we cooked what we could do of Thanksgiving dinner from my cookbook. And then they made some dishes from their own country to add in from their side. I couldn't, you know, and they sent me some recipes. So, we made all these dishes and we enjoyed them together through a zoom.

Pat 
Whoa. That is amazing. Marlis, you must be a brainiac. I mean, honest to God, you talk, and you know, and I figured out the recipes and then I translated it into metric. I'm thinking, whoa, wait a minute. I'm still figuring out the recipes here. But you created a wonderful, wonderful situation.

Marlis 
And, and it's fun because they get to try different things. Of course. Now, a couple of them couldn't buy turkey because a turkey while inexpensive here, a turkey in another country. Well, I'll tell you in Indonesia, uh, it wasn't a virtual year for me, but Indonesia, a turkey will cost you over a hundred dollars American. So Yeah. They're not gonna buy a turkey. No. You know, they can go get a little Cornish hand or chicken. They could sure cook it with the same spices. Yeah. Same way of cooking it. Foul is foul. So, you know, they could cook the same. Right. So that's what they did. And they had a grand old time with it.

Pat 
Oh, I bet they did.

Marlis 
And you know, we did Christmas together, so I have a tradition. I put my tree in that big picture window and my first student started the tradition of she wanted to pick out an ornament to put on the tree. And Yeing,  she said, every student you host after this, they must pick out their own ornament and it must go on the tree. So, I took these students virtual shopping for a Christmas ornament. Like I'm holding up the ornaments on the tree now. Even though they haven't physically been in my house, they're still on my Christmas tree every year. And now the whole top third of my tree, uh, is Christmas ornaments from my exchange students. 

And the ones that I had for the spring semester when I got them, all of the Christmas stuff was still on sale. I took them quickly to go get their ornaments so that we could add it to the tree. We just had fun with it. You just adapt. You learn to do it differently. So they have that experience and sometimes they would send you notes saying, Hey, can we talk? I just like, I'm having this problem with this test at school. Yeah. In their own country. Yeah. But they start to treat you like a host parent. Like if they're right here having a problem with a test at school here.

Pat 
Well, now wait a minute. Now you did walk right into my next question. Okay. Tell us about that moment when one of your students' family said, quote your “fam!”

Marlis 

My Turkish daughter from, for the virtual year, Sena, her best friend Emin became an exchange student through the same scholarship program. Just a different hosting agency than AFS. And it was during the covid year that he was here. So, he was sent home early, like all the other students were that year. While his host family wasn't bad, they weren't the best. And she brought him in because I mean, they're best friends, right? He would join in on the Zoom meetings and so forth. And I got to know him fairly well. But I got to know the struggles that he kind of dealt with when he was in California. I'm related to pretty much half that state. I'm familiar with the culture out there as well. And I just got to talking to him and helping him overcome what he still felt were struggles even though he was back in his home country, and he was still kind of dealing with that. Then he started joining in, in the family Zoom meetings that we have sporadically. Got him into the WhatsApp family group and finally the rest of the kids were just like, yeah, no, you're fam. So this, this kid that was an exchange student that wasn't even through AFS, he was through a different hosting agency, just got adopted your fam.

Pat 
Nice. Can you share a story, a memorable moment or experience with one of your students that just will stay with you forever?

Marlis 
Oh my God. You want me to pick one?

Pat 
Well, we don't have four or five hours, but Yeah, you're gonna have to tough it out, Marla. Pick one.

Marlis 
Lemme think about that for a little bit, Pat. Let's come back to that one. Okay. 'cause there's so many I'm, I'm sorry. We'll come back around. Lemme think while we're doing the other.

Pat 
Okay. Just, just stew on that for a bit. Okay. I'll shift gears here for a moment. What are the most significant changes you see in students from the moment they arrive to the day they leave?

Marlis 
Self-confidence is the first thing that comes to mind. Now that's not covered because the student I'm hosting this year is self-confident to the max. Like he completely self-confident but humble at the same time. But he's still going to become even more self-confident. You know, he's not a snotty self-confident. He's just confident in who he's and what he's about. But even he knows that who he is and what he's about now, is gonna change. And it's gonna be fun to watch that. But really the first thing you notice is their level of self-confidence slash independence becomes incredible. They mature so much mentally and emotionally through the 10 and a half months that they're here. That the growth is incredible. Being teenagers, especially teenage boys, they have a tendency to grow two to four inches while they're here. And that short time, a lot of students may put on a little bit of weight because our food isn't the best here in the States.

Marlis 

But the most one of my students ever gained was 10 pounds. But the most weight one of my students ever gained was 43 pounds of solid muscle. And he grew four and a half inches while he was here. Wow. He was still very thin. He worked out every day. So, when he went home, he came here looking like a young teenage boy. And when he went home, he looked like a young man. So physically they change a lot as well to their English skills that may have been just fine when they got here, are improved exponentially. And they're able to understand the concepts, the indirect, we have a direct way of speaking overall in the United States, but we also have an indirect way of making points. And that's a weird duality in our culture. But they learn the subtleties of that while they're here.

Marlis 
And they learn to employ that in their own culture and language. They will come right out and say, you know what? I noticed that my parents will always say this, but they meant this. And they start to see, hear, understand that difference of what's going on. And so it helps them with that. They become leaders. They're no longer followers, they're leaders. But I always tell them that in order to spend a year your life, pack everything up in a 50-pound suitcase and overhead bag in a backpack and move several thousand miles away from everything. And everyone, you know, that takes a leader to begin with. But they truly become leaders throughout the time they're here. They go through the ups and downs of becoming a rockstar when they first drive. 'cause they're new, they're different. They're instantly famous at whatever school they're at.

Marlis 
You know, then the kids get used to 'em and kind of forget about the rockstar status, which is kind of <laugh> dang. You know? But helping them pick themselves back up and realize they're still a rockstar, but in a different way now. And they learn to adjust and do that physically, mentally, emotionally, they grow so much. 

But then you have to warn them that when they go back to their home country, because they have matured and grown so much, they're gonna lose friends when they get home. Because their friends won't have matured at the same rate that they have, but they'll get new friends. Don't worry. 

 And you, you have to teach them how to say to the friends who walk away, thank you for being a part of my life for as long as you have. I'll never forget you. And, you know, come and talk to me whenever you want to. Just because we aren't friends anymore doesn't mean I still am not a friend for you, and teaching them that adjustment mindset and watching them process that and being able to process it. They can't process that when they first get here. It's impossible. But by the time they're going home, they're ready to understand that process. So, process and watching them go through all of that.

Pat 
With your students coming from such diverse backgrounds that you mentioned earlier that, uh, one of your, your students didn't have running water. You've got all these diverse backgrounds from all these countries, from Thailand, Pakistan, Albania, Kenya. What are some of the most powerful lessons they've taught you about the world and your yourself?

Marlis 

I think probably one of the most powerful lessons that they have all shown me is something that I always knew. But you, you need to have it in your face to really understand it. Like when they come here, they know it, but they, you know, you gotta be in your face. And is that we all want the same thing. We just wanna be able to live our lives within the love of the country and culture that we have been brought up in. To be able to have other people understand us and not hate us for our country and culture, to just be able to understand that even though we're sharing all these cultures and differences, doesn't mean that we want them to become like us or they want us to become like them. We just wanna be able to enjoy all those unique differences together and not have to fight about it, not have to have people fight about it for us or to, or just basically all the same. 

Living on this rock in the middle of a galaxy in the middle of a universe. And we don't even know if there's rest. Life out here, living on this rock is hardcore and we just need to get along and live our lives together so that we survive and we do it well with uniqueness.

Pat 
That's beautiful. So what advice would you give to someone thinking about becoming a host for foreign exchange students? What would you say to them Marlis?

Marlis 
Have fun. Don't be afraid to make an idiot of yourself. Like serious. No, seriously. Just yesterday I was speaking with a young lady from Pakistan. Now I've hosted someone from Pakistan and I, I took a class in Urdu as well. It, there's a lot of sounds in Urdu that we don't have in English. Um, so learning how to say them correctly is a challenge. And she was trying to teach me a word, which I'm not gonna try because if anybody's listening who speaks Urdu and I try it, they're gonna laugh at me too. But, okay,

Pat 
That's good that you say that. 'cause I have international listeners.

Marlis 
Okay. “...Ra” it's money. It's a unit of 1 million. Alright. In Urdu. And I know I'm not saying it right. And Naida was laughing at me. She's like, again, like, no, you're not doing that first R right. It's C-R-O-R-E, but it's a hard R really hard R So when they translate it into English letters, they write that as capital R next to the small C and it's pronounced differently than the small R. So when you're learning a language, but that is really hard for English speakers to do in the middle of all these other consonants and bells. So she was laughing at me, she's like, it's just so cute the way you mess it up! 

Marlis 
Thank you. I'm trying. She's like, no, keep trying. You have to be willing to make an idiot of yourself learning how to say different words or they try to teach you a traditional dance and your body is just not cooperating with it. And they're laughing at you, especially when you fall over on the floor to teaching them how to play a board game here. And they're not quite understanding the rules. And you have to make like an idiot. You may have to do like charades to make something understood. So, you know, don't be afraid to make an idiot of yourself. And please, please, please remember what it's like to be a teenager. Remember what it's like to be a child. Bring that back to yourself of who you were when you were that age. And you still have to be a, a parental figure.

Marlis 
You still have an authority figure, but you gotta be friendly as well. You have to ride that really weird balance that all parents do. Be friends with your kids, but don't be best friends. Yeah. You still have to be maintain some authority, but don't be afraid to learn the vernacular of kids in the United States. I was talking with one of 'em, we were at a group gathering, yesterday and some others kind of just joined in and whenever, and I was kind of looking at 'em, kind of trying to give them a physical sign that I was trying to have a private conversation. And the one of them was like, oh, do you want us to “drip?” And I was like, what? <laugh> brought the whole conversation to the screeching halt. They explained to me in my own language that one of the slang things that the American kids use nowadays is, do you want me to drip is mean? Do you want me to leave, like the water falling outta a faucet? It leaves. And I'm like, got it. Thank you. 

Pat 
You know, Marlis, I see now how cruel it was of me to ask you to share a story of a memorable moment because you've just given us 45 minutes of memorable moments and experiences you've had with your kids.

Marlis 
I'll tell you, I thought of one that didn't directly involve me, but it's still one of my more precious moments. I used to have a cat named Oscar, uh, rest his soul. But while Naida, my Indonesian daughter was here, she's Muslim, she would do her prayers every day. And in, in Indonesia, the females put on this long skirt and this hood that goes, it leaves their face open, but it's a hood that kind of comes all the way down to their knees over the top of the skirt. It's just their prayer robes. It's just part of their culture. No big deal. They're usually made outta silk or some other light material. And so they always do “wudu” first. So they go in and they wash their feet, their hands, their face and their mouth so that, you know, they're walking into God's word with clean feet.

Marlis 
They're doing god's work with clean hands. They're doing the face with a clean conscience that's clean their face and they clean out their mouth so that they speak the truth and the word of God. Clearly. That's the whole purpose of “wudu.” Most US citizens don't know that about Islam. It's simple. And the prayer is the same every time. And they fluff out their prayer rug on the floor, and you'd hear the whisper of her silks when she was putting them on. And my cat Oscar would go running into her room with her. 

And most Americans know when Muslim are doing their prayers. There's a standup portion, there's a kneeling portion, there's a forehead on the ground portion, up and down, up and down. A very aerobic prayer. And I'm telling you, Pat now, not nida not me taught Oscar about this. We didn't try to teach him tricks or anything like that, but he'd hear her put the whisper of her silks being put on and hear the rug being fluffed out and put on the ground and he'd go running in there. And so, when he, when she was standing, he'd be standing on all fours when she'd kneel, he'd sit down. When she would put her forehead on the floor, he would lay down on his tummy and back up, up, down, up, down, up, down. She really would do. Yeah. He would do her prayers with her. And it was amazing to watch and so peaceful and so kind and so pretty, I mean, cats are mega intelligent anyway. 

Marlis 
And he had really formed a bond with Nida, like they were best buddies anyway, so he was gonna do whatever she was doing and he would go in there every time 5 times with her. And it just became a thing. 

And the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, um, as Muslims say, has always stated that cats are basically angels in fur form. And that cats are always welcome in the home. And cats, they're basically allowed free reign as if anybody cannot let a cat have free reign. The, the prophet Muhammad always said that cats are sacred animals. 

So, it was me being spiritual, not necessarily religious, but spiritual watching Oscar do that reinforced what the prophet himself said. It became a lesson in understanding. It became a lesson in tolerance. It became a lesson in simple beauty. It became a lesson in just letting that quiet be for five minutes, five times a day. Like my whole house would just become quiet, while they were doing their prayers. I mean, there's all kinds of memories like that, but that's probably one of the more sweet or tender memories. And it just happened.

Pat 
Well, Marlis to say that this has been an eyeopener is an understatement. I wanna thank you for coming on filter capacity today and giving us a glimpse of your wonderful raucous, heartfelt international life. Yeah, thank you so much.

Marlis 
Raucous is a good word, pat. And you're welcome. Um, because teenagers, and they'll, they'll come in the house, they bring friends over. Can we have a party? Or they'll come running through the house. Uh, excess energy. I call it the zoomies. 

Pat 
Yeah, like kitties.

Marlis 
Absolutely. So yeah.

Pat 
Well, thank you. And listeners, whoa, wasn't this an earful? Thank you for joining us today. And if you enjoyed the podcast, please subscribe, and tell your friends. Thank you. Thank you, Marlis. Bye. 

Marlis 
Thank you very much.